To Those Struggling with the Thanksgiving Table this Year
By Emily Ervin, MA, LMHC
If you are reading this, we are proud of you and see how hard this is. Thanksgiving is a holiday that can be extremely triggering for those trying to navigate eating disorder treatment and recovery. The first thing we want you to know is that you are not alone. You might hear someone giving thanks one minute and then condemning their body in the next. That is hard and it is okay to be angry. Deep breath. You are not the only one that feels stressed over thinking about this week. We want you to know that it is okay to not be okay and you will survive the holiday.
Here are some tips to make this holiday a little more doable this year for you as you continue in eating disorder recovery.
1. Find your support and have a plan: We encourage you to talk about this day before it comes. While we do not want you to be overwhelmed with planning for every situation possible, because you cannot do that, we do empower you to consider the actions you can take that will protect your recovery ahead of time.
Consider who your support person can be. This can be a family member or friend who is sitting at the table too that knows about your experience. If you do have someone who will physically be there, talk about what they can do to help ahead of time. Statements like, “It is helpful when you…” and “Can you check in with me by…” are very helpful when discussing how a support person can be prepared for you. This person has opportunity to be great at distractive and supportive conversation, redirecting that diet comment, or keeping conversation light with a fun table game. You also might communicate via a quick glance in the moment that you are struggling for it to be time for a short pull-aside. Find someone who can be in this with you and let them help.
Let’s not be naïve to tough situations with support. There is not always someone safe at the table with you. We want to validate and encourage that a support person can be someone at the other end of a phone call or text. Technology can be on our side in this instance. You can utilize your resources. There is opportunity to communicate ahead of time to that person so they can be on standby with you. They can carry on a conversation with your via text, give you a quick call when you need a minute to leave the room, or send some funny memes just when you need it. Find someone who can be in this with you and let them help even if that is from a distance.
2. Eat to nourish your body
A lot of pressure can be placed on this one meal on this one day. We want to remind you that the body needs to be nourished like every other day. This does not mean you cannot especially enjoy a certain kind of dish that may not be readily accessible throughout other months. That is part of nourishing the body intuitively. However, that is not reason to manipulate intake in any sort of way.
The body does not magically process food differently because this is a holiday that often surrounds food. We encourage you to continue to listen to hunger and fullness cues to honor your body, along with satisfaction. Yes, this means eating breakfast and snacks and whatever else you may want on this day. If a meal plan is part of your journey right now today is another day to follow that for your recovery.
There might be comments about that, ‘unhealthy’ thanksgiving side dish, the need to compensate for something eaten, or some other diet culture comment. Know that none of that is written for you on your journey to food and body freedom. Those morning television show hosts and the social media influencers do not know what is best for your body. You listening to your cues is what is best for you. This is the reminder that no food is good or bad, you do not have to pick and choose what to have. You can have what you want to eat today just like any other day.
3. Boundaries are essential
We want to remind you of the autonomy you have on this day to choose to implement boundaries in the way that is best for you. Maybe consider the topics that are off limits for you (e.g. eating, bodies, exercise). If you are comfortable to communicate these ahead of time, consider setting those verbal boundaries with loved ones.
It is okay if you are not able or ready to set those verbal boundaries. You can still have boundaries. We encourage you coming up with a list of topics you would want to discuss at the table. If things start going astray at the table bring up one of these in conversation. You might share that one funny memory you have with a loved one, asked questions about what everyone is looking forward to, or just sharing that funny meme you found that can get everyone chatting. These topics do not have to be monumental. Keep them light and fun.
We wish we could say that no one will cross a boundary at all. However, that would not be realistic. Consider how you would want to respond if someone does cross the boundary. That might be utilizing your support person to redirect the conversation, or it might be verbalizing statements like, “I do not want to talk about that,” or, “Can we talk about something else?” or, “I’m trying really hard to eat what I want, and I don’t want to talk about diets.” These responses can look like so many different things. This is where a therapist would love to step in and help you role-play and brainstorm responses that work in your specific situation.
Honestly, it is okay to leave early to protect you. Now this is a tricky one because we do not want the eating disorder to work to isolate you. However, if you need to leave that gathering a little early to do some journaling, take a few deep breaths in a quiet space, or snuggle under your favorite blanket with your cat at home, that is okay. Consider talking through what are some signs you might consider leaving early with your treatment team.
Please know that you are completely remarkable for showing up to a space where not everyone may understand your experience. This is not a day that you either fail or ace. But rather, this is a day that will go however it goes and you will learn something from it.
