How Giving In is not Giving Up : What is Radical Acceptance?

Written by: Ariana Romero, MA, LMHC-A

When I first introduce the topic of radical acceptance to clients, they are almost always conflicted. As human beings, we are wired to leave situations that make us uncomfortable, sad, angry, or discouraged. Yes, it is in our evolutionary response to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. But what happens when our triggering event is a constant throughout our life? For example, chronic illness or death of a loved one.

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting reality exactly as it is. Before moving forward, I want to be clear that abuse or neglect are always caveats for this practice.  More specifically, one should never have to radically accept ongoing abuse or neglect. However, if one has experienced abuse or neglect in the past – radical acceptance may be a helpful therapeutic approach to acknowledging pain and cultivating healing.

To reference Buddha, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Radical acceptance assumes that regardless of age, gender identity, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, or religion, we will all experience pain throughout our lives. It will also assume that despite one’s resources, the future has limitations and many of life’s circumstances are entirely out of our control. Therefore, instead of submitting ourselves to needless suffering, radical acceptance offers us a practice of acknowledging pain and through it.

Why Accept Reality (Even When It Sucks)

1.    Your refusal to accept reality does not change reality. For example, in the context of eating disorders, many are in the process of radically accepting they have been struggling with an eating disorder. For clients who are unable to accept this truth, we unfortunately see a much longer path to recovery and challenges among the way.

2.    Acceptance is the first step. We cannot change something we are unaware of. Therefore, when clients can finally accept their situation, whether that be depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder, we are finally able to put forth the energy and time towards healing rather than dispelling reality.

3.    We are wired for pain. As Brené Brown once said, “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the negative emotions, we also numb our ability to feel the positive emotions.” Human beings are vulnerable and wired for pain. Death, disease, economic hardships, and challenges are ingrained in our experience. The sooner we can accept this reality, the sooner we can taste freedom and joy.

4.    Accepting reality can bring freedom. No matter who we are, accepting our reality takes much less effort than pushing against it. It’s like swimming downstream verses upstream. You can likely do both, but one certainty is gentler on your body.

Furthermore, radical acceptance is not approval. It is not subjecting oneself to sub-optimal conditions or “throwing in the towel.” It is not feeling compassion for those who have harmed or disappointed us. It is not against changing life conditions to improve our overall well-being. It is, however, “an invitation to embrace ourselves with all our pain, fear, and anxieties, and to step lightly yet firmly on the path of understanding and compassion.”

“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.”

Sources:
Hall, Karyn. “Radical Acceptance.” May 24, 2021.
Brach, Tara. “Radical Acceptance.” Bantam Dell. 2023.
Brown, Brene. “The Gifts of Imperfection.” Hazelden. 2010.